Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
