I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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