My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
