I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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