That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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