I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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