nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
