In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
