So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
