wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
