I think im going to throw up on grandma
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
