like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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