Don't you send me to vm
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
