Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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