I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
