We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
