You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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