Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
