my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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