Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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