i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
