All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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