just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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