I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
