I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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