I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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