so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
