Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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