Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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