On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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