I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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