Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
