basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
