I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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