if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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