My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
