youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm both gender and math confused
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
