i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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