help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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