Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
