Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
