I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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