it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
