I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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