i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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