My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
