glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
