woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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