I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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