There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
