Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
