I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
